Life changes but I am still A GIRL

She felt better for a short time. She was happy and relieved, but last night she saw every thing is again going to be bad. She doesn't have any support. People cannot help her and the only person who can help her is herself. People just need her help, and nobody helps her. She made a break, mentally. Nevertheless, stresses are worse than before some times. No body, no body accept to take care of her. People just scared when they see she has so many and just need a little more. The last step to be close to frontier. As long as she cannot get it, she cannot reach the point and all attempts sounds fucked up...

Lonely girl in group of best friends

Some times she feels alone, totally without any supporter, neither friend nor family.

Yesterday was a bad day for her, maybe yesterday superstition of 13th of month came true and this unluckiness caught her. She was crying whole the day, whether she did it facially or hearty…

The problem is that she never wants to give up. She always wants to fight, for what she wants and thinks to be deserved to achieve, against destiny. She believes so far in destiny in just one point of life: when she defeats and sees no more energy to keep fighting. In other moments of her life, destiny doesn’t have any place, even in corner, in her mind. Nevertheless, she never refuses the role of destiny in moments of fighting.

She wants to be an independent girl and perfect, the same as years ago when she was at home. But it doesn’t sound easy under these circumstances. She knows it is not easy, but it is a brittle excuse for her to give up or take it easy. First one never recommended to her, whereas the second one strongly suggested. Both seem to her wrong at this time corresponding to the situation. She just thinks about keep fighting…


Girl is tired, disappointed and frustrated; scared from future and still in an insecure sense…she is younger and less experienced so that she knows how to manage problems. She lost nice relation hopefully temporary with friends and family…She doesn’t know what she should do…She is waiting for the result, hopefully some nice solutions, by the end of this week…

She is in love…She is going to be deported…She is sad…sad…sad…so deep…

Berghain/Panoramabar(Ostgut)

The place should be visited at least for once. I was there last night and half of today! When you are in, you cannot leave. The music is really perfect, you can just imagine some thing better, but probably nowhere you can find something better. The atmosphere is strange. Different from other clubs, there are 25% of guests who look at everything so surprised. 25% of guests are normal people who wants to spend time to have fun after a hard week as they've promised to themselves a nice weekend in Berghain. And the rest, the part that Berghain/Panoramabar(Ostgut) is well known for it are people who I had never seen them together accumulated in one place. I was impressed by them

You are satisfied with each desire you have. Not only your heart and min is satisfied, but also your eyes, ears, and you body is satisfied. Nothing stressful there except the first part: Entrance!

It is located close to Sbahn Ostbahnhof, but you cannot find it easily. I asked two guys for the address and they answered "We know berghain is close, but don't know exactly where"! People usually come there by Taxi and this was the first time I saw a long line of taxis waiting for guests who leave Berghain. The interesting thing is the number of people who come by bike! I have never noticed that nobody goes by bike to a club except Berghain!!!

No doubt, Berghain/Panoramabar(Ostgut) is one of the best all over the world as you can see under:

http://www.djmag.com/index.php?op=top100club&top100club_op=display&club_top_100_id=101&status=live&limit_num=100&page=1

And whats more:

"Berlin, with six entries, emerged as the city with the most clubs in the top 100. The DJs questioned voted the “Berghain” with its accompanying Panorama Bar as the best club. The former power station near the Ostbahnhof in Friedrichshein is notorious for its hedonistic atmosphere, its selective door policy and endless opening hours, with parties running into the late hours of Sunday evening each week."

All in all, I like it and hope to have access to get in again.

Scorpio

The Sex God of the Zodiac has quite a lot to live up to! The Scorpion does just that, thank you very much. The sexual prowess and drive of those born under this sign is legendary.Scorpions smolder with every come-hither look, alluring wink of an eye and mysterious stare. If you want to ride a tiger to an emotional and sexual crescendo, jump on the curvy back of the sleek Scorpion. The Scorpio lover has an almost hypernatural libido, and loves giving sensual pleasure, although receiving it is nice, too. Variety as the spice of life is the golden rule here, and Scorpio loves to choreograph the scene for maximum mutual satisfaction. Any lover stepping into this lair best be ready, since keeping up is a must. Scorpions adore a lover who can go on forever, the perfect gift for this truly sexual being. If that lover brings some toys along, things will be tied up oh-so-neatly.

Dey deley deley deley ...

Lyrics are from Hafiz a Persian mystic and poet:

Don’t let your hair with the wind blow,Else to the wind, caution I’ll throw.Don’t let foundations elegantly grow,Else my foundation will dissolve and go.Choose where you bestow thy grace,Else I’ll wallow in disgrace.When you are present in every place,Every place, my protests will face.The locks of your hair are curled like a chain,Enslaved to those locks, in chain I remain.When with your curls you entertain,Your curls will only drive me insane.Strangers do not befriend,Else I might be lost in the trend.Let not my rivals on you depend,This makes me sad, and will offend.Let your face color, your cheeks blush,Your beauty, the rose bud, aside brush;Let your stature rise up tall and lush,And the tallest cedars simply crush.Don’t become every room’s candle flame,Else my flames of jealousy can’t tame.Don’t treat every people the same,So that you may not forget my name.Don’t become known to all in this town,Else I’ll find the ocean, myself drown.Don’t keep me distant with your frown,Else I’ll tear to threads my shirt and gown.Have mercy upon me and compassion,Else hear the infamy of my passion.Hafiz will embrace your oppression,Was freed since enslaved in this fashion.Don’t let your hair with the wind blow,Else to the wind, caution I’ll throw.Don’t let foundations elegantly grow,Else my foundation will dissolve and go.Choose where you bestow thy grace,Else I’ll wallow in disgrace.When you are present in every place,Every place, my protests will face.The locks of your hair are curled like a chain,Enslaved to those locks, in chain I remain.When with your curls you entertain,Your curls will only drive me insane.Strangers do not befriend,Else I might be lost in the trend.Let not my rivals on you depend,This makes me sad, and will offend.Let your face color, your cheeks blush,Your beauty, the rose bud, aside brush;Let your stature rise up tall and lush,And the tallest cedars simply crush.Don’t become every room’s candle flame,Else my flames of jealousy can’t tame.Don’t treat every people the same,So that you may not forget my name.Don’t become known to all in this town,Else I’ll find the ocean, myself drown.Don’t keep me distant with your frown,Else I’ll tear to threads my shirt and gown.Have mercy upon me and compassion,Else hear the infamy of my passion.Hafiz will embrace your oppression,Was freed since enslaved in this fashion.

Picture from http://www.elegantbay.com/iran/maleki/iman.htm

A picture from Bard Pit and me

I would like to show to all over the world, a picture taken from me and Brad Pitt in Tehran, capital of Iran year 2005. This is a questionable picture I've kept for years and didn't show anybody nor media and also didn't put on the web. At the time President Mohammad Khatami was passing the last days of his presidency in the most critical country and area of middle east, Iran. The city was a chaos under a huge volume of water. People and the world were just looking at Iran future politic and nobody cares about presence of "Sexiest man alive", according to what People magazine wrote in 1994, in Tehran. He had recently divorced and was looking for a nice actress for Mr. And Mrs Smith. He came to Iran and visited me. This is a long story I don't like to consider now. He suggested me to Dough Liman director, but he refused. The reason is clear, of course he didn't like to have an actress from Iran whom selected in this critical period of time every thing is messy in middle east: Afghanistan, Iraq and so soon Iran. Later is reveal to all: Angelina Jolie and the rest of story. Now, she is his wife and has child from him. Yet, Bard and I were fallen in love earlier. Please note that this picture belongs to "A girl" property and using without permission is sued.

The most funniest sentences about Brad Pitt I have ever read are:

The luckiest guy in the world, Brad Pitt has it all. Super star in the movies, world's most beautiful & sexy wife, a bunch of kids, rich, houses all over, and motorcycles! Lots of them! Wherever he goes, he can be seen riding a motorcycle. He's not a proud or loyal rider; anything on two wheels will do him. It doesn't have too cost a fortune, or look good, as long as it rides... He recently added this motorcycle to his collection. It's orange, but not a KTM....

And the the writer put some photo from him you can easily find under:

http://news.motorbiker.org/blogs.nsf/dx/brad-pitts-new-shiny-orange-motorcycle.htm

A nice photo from him, king of all roads :)

Quoted from ideas come from yesterday

From Yesterday...

Yes, I can see it, I can feel it not beside me but close to me, he is looking at me and just looking and looking...no more talking and even o changes in face. He is especial. I don't want o miss him, he is clean, clear like water and strong like mountain. He is so logical and I strong...I am mad of his strength. If someday I don't feel him close to me, I will be drawn. I love him...

Love

Sex, before and after

It is so funny, the story of me and ...

My best friends "M" and "A"

I am in middle, left is "A" and right "M". Apart from what I read in following lines, you can see the most outstanding characteristics of both and me as well.

Yes, just now I remember that I have two friend who I like them so much. I don't say I like both the same as I like "M" more than "A", or maybe it is better to say that I feel more comfortable with "M" rather than "A". Anyway, they were always with me and they always cheered me when I was sad and tried to solve my problems when I faced ones. They were and are and I am sure will be my intimate friends for ever. I am so glad, just understood, that I made friend with them. Actually I don't remember where and when we made friend, but who cares? I mean the only important fact is that NOW we are friend. I agree as they are male, some times they cannot help me, but they are so kind even in some special problems try to help me. I am really happy to be their friend. "A" knows that I like "Mal", he knows well that I like "r.w.". He knows many thing about me which is not visible for others. Maybe because he and "M" are my old friends. They know I am mad of "S". They know I know it so good and deeply believe in it. They know my mind works like an engine and needs to be empty regularly by drinking or... They know I am a strange girl with so religious beliefs in some conditions. They know I am a special girl and my destiny is so long... I wonder how they know some times me better than myself! Unbelievable but sometimes I cannot realize myself but they can as they are looking at me from outside.

Just I noticed that I miss them so much. It is a long time no news from them...I need them to talk a bit more. They are, especially "M" is, the best persons to cheer me. I

always listen to "M"'s advices. He is older than me and so calm guy. Never ever changes his face gesture when he is talking or thinking or eating or ...or even living! He is normal as if what he says make sense and is totally logical for me. I don't say what he studied. He is tall and a bit thin. His hairs is dark and so usual. I mean I cannot find anything special in his appearance except his face as if it is always cool and with no reaction. I am 100% sure if i go to him so distracted and say that "I killed somebody, what should I do now?!" His face gesture never changes and he looks at me for 3 or 4 seconds and then start to talk with the world "well" or a question that "how did it happen?"!!! He is so cool and then he begin to tell me that what should I do as the best option! I like him so much because there is nothing which shocked him. He never looses his grace in his behaviour, I like him more than usual :)

"A" is also so nice guy, he is totally different from "M", yet they are friend. The reason is exactly the same reason I am friend with "M": I am not the same as him, so opposites attract each others. Back to "A", he is so naughty guy and just say and do rubbish stuff. I know him a bit later after knowing "M". He is a perfect smoker and drinker! Good dancer and very good partner in "S"! I have never been his gf as we see each other from another aspect. It is difficult to explain as I have seen just this kind of relationships between some special peoples both are so similar to each other. Yes, we are so similar to each other but just in ideas and not in behaviours. He and I know it so good and we have sometimes some argue together about it. But finally we understand that each of us should live as she/he likes. Now we got along with it and try not to criticise each other. But about positive parts of him I like, I should say that he is so brave and not "c" like me. He has a very famous quote which I learnt to use: "Who cares?! Just do it." He is really crazy and that is why I LOVE HIM. When I spend time with him, I just laugh from my deepest part of inside. When I leave him and come back home, I feel that I used my whole energy and I am so happy. I really feel happiness when I spend time with him. But I don't like to be his gf as he is so mean to girls who has any affair with her. He is sort of guy just missuses in relationships. He just think about taking advantages from girls. Poor them, I don't know how is their feeling when they understood that "A" just played with them. I told him that it is not a good thing and he should change his behaviour and he accepted that it is not a good behaviour. He quited for a short time, but again he started to behave as what he was already...So, no way, he again return to his behaviour as it sounds it is initiative for him.

Yes, I miss them and I should be always in touch with them as they are always the last chance for me when I need help and I am disappointed.

Jenny was a friend of mine!

We took a walk that night, but it wasn't the sameWe had a fight on the promenade out in the rainShe said she loved me, but she had somewhere to goShe couldn't scream while I held her closeI swore I'd never let her goTell me what you wanna knowOh come on, oh come on, oh come onThere ain't no motive for this crimeJenny was a friend of mineSo come on, oh come on, oh come on I know my rights, I've been here all day and it's timeFor me to go, so let me know if it's alrightI just can't take this, I swear I told you the truthShe couldn't scream while i held her closeI swore I'd never let her go Tell me what you wanna knowOh come on, oh come on, oh come onAnd then you whisper in my earI know what you're doing hereSo come on, oh come on, oh come onThere ain't no motive for this crimeJenny was a friend of mineOh come on, oh come on, oh come on...

.8 mg Nicotin is not enough to reliefe her pains

Not only some times, but also always...

...she knows that...

...she is going to hell...

Such a bad week was this week for her...

...she got the letter from psychologist showing she is in a very bad mood and needs 6 months off at least to find herself...she failed after a lot of stress and studying the only chance she had to get rid of this dirt she is imprisoned...and finally some minutes ago...she and her boyfriend broke...

...life is not going on for her...she sleeps...she eats...she breaths...but she knows it is a bus to hell which entertained her and she got on...she is waiting NOW for end of line...she cannot keep herself anymore on the chair...she is too confused and sad...

Shit...shit to this life...poor her...she even don't know what is going one, how can she solve the problems?

She needs real success:

Three goods grade from "N" 2 and 3 and "SP"...

She needs him...

And having all she has and are satisfied with

...she is so glad and thank God as she is healthy.

Prophet Mohammad chosen from God

Embarrassing! Some times people judge an event without having enough information about it. When I say "about it" I mean about whatever related to it and not just that especial case. Yes, maybe (We are not sure as we were not at the same place and time as he was. Please note that if dear reader is Muslim, believes that what Koran says is totally true and so no doubt about it and no need to use the word "maybe") Mohammad did some thing like this, maybe Mohammad has many wives, maybe ...

BUT...

BUT...

Maybe in that time and place it was necessary because of some reasons. Some reasons which are not absolutely the same as what we have in our minds which absolutely dirty. It is obvious if we think about the reason of having many wives and some dirty reasons come to our mind, because none of us are PROPHET and FROM GOG, whereas Mohammad was PROPHET and FROM GOD. So, how would it be possible for us to think in a same way as he thought? How would it be possible that we, normal human beings or whats more saints judge God's prophet with the same logic?

What I am trying to say is that:

If some body believes that Mohammad was from God, so no doubt that he did stuff with different views as us. Otherwise we could be prophet as well!

So, there is a big paradox with this sentence:

"God's prophet did something wrong"

The kill

"The Kill"

What if I wanted to breakLaugh it all off in your faceWhat would you do? (Oh, oh)What if I fell to the floorCouldn't take all this anymoreWhat would you do, do, do?Come break me downBury me, bury meI am finished with youWhat if I wanted to fightBeg for the rest of my lifeWhat would you do?You say you wanted moreWhat are you waiting for?I'm not running from you (from you)Come break me downBury me, bury meI am finished with youLook in my eyesYou're killing me, killing meAll I wanted was youI tried to be someone elseBut nothing seemed to changeI know now, this is who I really am inside.Finally found myselfFighting for a chance.I know now, this is who I really am.Ah, ahOh, ohAh, ahCome break me downBury me, bury meI am finished with you, you, you.Look in my eyesYou're killing me, killing meAll I wanted was youCome break me down (bury me, bury me)Break me down (bury me, bury me)Break me down (bury me, bury me)(You say you wanted more)What if I wanted to break...?(What are you waiting for?)Bury me, bury me(I'm not running from you)What if IWhat if IWhat if IWhat if IBury me, bury me

She is so close to Hell

Some times your deepest part of inside says that:

You are going to hell

You can easily feel its hotness and the fire. Your hurt beats so fast and deep such that you can hear it, BUT JUST YOU and nobody else, you walk along street and see people who live, who laugh, who eat, who sleep, who kiss and continue their life as if nothing happened. They never ever care there is somebody who is next to hell...

In smaller scale, there is many things in common with one of Moby's video...this is video and should have a HAPPY END...but in life, sometimes there is no happy ending because if it was supposed to be finished with a happy ending, it was not any more "life", then we would call it "video" or "movie" or ...in general something which was created by human being to see life in a way he wants, not in a way it is...yes, I think life is too cruel sometimes and people want to see and interpret it in a positive way. Sometimes when they see they are absolutely unable to be fight with destiny, they just pretend that they are final winner. Their sprite needs to be winner and they CREATE it when they cannot ACHIEVE it. They want to get rid of disappoinmentnesses(I really don't think if there is such a word in English and I created it as I cannot achieve any suitable word in this point of time)...

Poor "H" is now in this situation. She even cannot cry maybe it cures her pains for a short time. It sounds that her eyes cannot believe, her voice cannot believe, her hurt cannot believe what happened and is happening. Poor them, they all are in still in shock...the same as her...she is sitting on the bed, a plate of spaghetti with simplest sauce, empty is beside her. She is sad and SHOCKED. Even she has not yet found out what happened to her... yes, she has not yet found it out...

...

...

...

...

Yes, she talked, but still sh ecan feel the pain...

Ein bisschen Rotkäppchen...

She feels cold...she wears an orange suitshirt...she feels tired...her mind is going to be out of work and that i sexactly what she wants...

...

...

All memories:

She was so good, perfect in one of the best university of "ME", best in "V", in "S", in ... now she is alone and no more good. She is going to hell...she cannot anymore stand...she is on the ground and folded...her head is hanging from the neck....

She shold leave....

She'd better to leave...

She should go...
...
...
go
...
...
go
...
...

go on

and not give up

Bermuda Triangle and Black hole

I don't know why, but after downloading Google Earth to find real videos and pictures from Moon and Apollo 11, I started to find Bermuda Triangle on the web and here is the nice article I found:

Many people have reported seeing portals opening in cloudy skies - strange swirling lights sometimes accompanied by sounds - temporal distortions - electromagnetic distortions called 'electronic fog' that can cause a time storm, and the disappearance of planes and ships. There is something about this fog that is important and gives one the sense of all things paranormal. Something unexplained is definitely happening in that region of the Atlantic. This goes back to ancient explorers such as Christopher Columbus and his crew who experienced the phenomenon.

Quoted from http://www.pisceandelusions.org/reference/bermudatriangle/

Moreover, maybe it is of your interest:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_hole

The story of atomic bomb - part1

Albert Einstein, genius of 20 century, proposed E = M*C^2 in a paper published in 1905. He simply said that as C^2 is a very big number, this formula shows that applying to even a very very tiny mass for example in scale of atoms, we get a very huge amount of energy. In 1935, in an interview he honestly expressed that doing it is much more harder and spends much energy than amount of derived E. BUT, at time he never noticed that it may happens so quick when there are very good physicist in Germany who strongly wants to help Nazis to dominate whole world. Later, in 1939 when his German friend, Lion Silad informed him that there are some known way of getting E from atoms easier than what Einstein had supposed, he became so thoughtful and wrote a letter to Roosevelt, US president and...

...to be continued

Watermelon

I am eating Watermelon. So nice and sweet, remembering me summers of "I", my home, when I was used to eat it and another junk I liked so much: Yogurt and cucumber with spices salt and peppermint. I was used to eat with with dried grape. These were so pleasant for me and every body knew that. I sounds happy and I was looking for better life, that is I am here now in "B", "G"... Yes, for sure that is why I am here as I don't want to be in another place now.

I noticed that it is almost one year that I have not eaten my favorite fruit! No wonder that I never thought of that until I bought it and now I am eating it as I was so busy and still is and will be. I am ready to suffer it to get my PhD from "F". So no more nagging or complaining...

I want to take it, to be gifted when I show that I deserve in your idea dear "G". I know you better than me what is better for me and how much I deserve. In my idea I DESERVE TO TAKE IT. Anyway, it is up to you, I have to say in this moment that:

I am satisfied with whatever you are satisfied

I feel lack of something my inside

...I am tired. I left 214 earlier than the time I want because I feel lack of something my inside. I know what I want. I know what I need. What I want and need is not at 214. So, I come back home and eat some thing in the hope of better time after. I take bath and listen to the music. My emotions are going to be more ready. I have a very good feeling. I am ready. Hormones are moving more than before. My eyes look at him deeper than before. I want him for whole nights. I can feel his smell and attraction more than before. My breathing is regular but tonight I can feel it easily. I feel relax enough so that he easily takes me wherever he likes...
...
...
I close my eyes and just feel...
...
...
...
Sunshine can be seen, but I still need him. I still feel lack of something my inside...

What is "relativity" to Einstein?

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity." — Albert Einstein

Don't give up man!

Yes, I know so clear that I NEVER EVER give up. I just go on and suffer all difficulties. This is mentioned in many books. A successful man is somebody who never give up. I know that this is one of the best choice for me. I don't say THE BEST CHOICE because nobody knows about other possibilities in real life. I as a "M.cian" just can talk about different possibilities on paper for "M" not for real life. That is one of aspect of the sentence 2 + 2 =4 holds just in Math and not real life.

I have enough capability and talent to catch my dreams, or at least this dream as it is not almost a dream. It can be come true so easily in comparison with other dreams. For example, I never wished for having an Island. I never asked for be wife of Mr. Obama. I never wanted to be Albert Einstein. I never wanted to be Natalia Vodyanova. I know who I am and what I want. What's more some times I feel I know what is one of the best for me. Now I know I have to do something this so-called dream (Just in public dictionary, not in my dictionary) comes true.

Moon light

When moonlight crawls along the streetChasing away the summer heatFootsteps outside somewhere belowThe world revolves I let it goWe build our church above this streetWe practice love between these sheetsThe candy sweetness scent of youIt bathes my skin Im stained by youAnd all I have to do is hold youTheres a racing in my heartI am barely touching you[chorus]Turn the lights down lowTake it offLet me showMy love for youInsatiableTurn me onNever stopWanna taste every dropMy love for youInsatiableThe moonlight plays upon your skinA kiss that lingers takes me inI fall asleep inside of youThere are no wordsTheres only truthBreathe in breathe outThere is no soundWe move together up and downWe levitate our bodies soarOur feet dont even touch the floorAnd nobody knows you like I doThe world doesnt understandBut I grow stronger in your hands[chorus]Turn the lights down lowTake it offLet me showMy love for youInsatiableTurn me onNever stopWanna taste every dropMy love for youInsatiableTurn the lights down lowTake it offLet me showMy love for youInsatiableTurn me onNever stopWanna taste every dropMy love for youInsatiableWe never sleep were always holdin handsKissin for hours talkin makin plansI feel like a better manJust being in the same roomWe never sleep theres just so much to doToo much to sayCant close my eyes when Im with youInsatiable the way Im loving you[chorus]Turn the lights down lowTake it offLet me showMy love for youInsatiableTurn me onNever stopWanna taste every dropMy love for youInsatiableTurn the lights down lowTake it offLet me showMy love for youInsatiableTurn me onNever stopWanna taste every dropMy love for youInsatiable

Halo

Remember those walls I builtWell, baby they're tumbling downAnd they didn't even put up a fightThey didn't even make up a soundI found a way to let you inBut I never really had a doubtStanding in the light of your haloI got my angel nowIt's like I've been awakenedEvery rule I had you breakin'It's the risk that I'm takin'I ain't never gonna shut you outEverywhere I'm looking nowI'm surrounded by your embraceBaby I can see your haloYou know you're my saving graceYou're everything I need and moreIt's written all over your faceBaby I can feel your haloPray it won't fade awayI can feel your halo halo haloI can see your halo halo haloI can feel your halo halo haloI can see your halo halo haloHit me like a ray of sunBurning through my darkest nightYou're the only one that I wantThink I'm addicted to your lightI swore I'd never fall againBut this don't even feel like fallingGravity can't forgetTo pull me back to the ground againFeels like I've been awakenedEvery rule I had you breakin'The risk that I'm takin'I'm never gonna shut you outEverywhere I'm looking nowI'm surrounded by your embraceBaby I can see your haloYou know you're my saving graceYou're everything I need and moreIt's written all over your faceBaby I can feel your haloPray it won't fade awayI can feel your halo halo haloI can see your halo halo haloI can feel your halo halo haloI can see your halo halo haloI can feel your halo halo haloI can see your halo halo haloI can feel your halo halo haloI can see your halo halo haloHalo, haloEverywhere I'm looking nowI'm surrounded by your embraceBaby I can see your haloYou know you're my saving graceYou're everything I need and moreIt's written all over your faceBaby I can feel your haloPray it won't fade awayI can feel your halo halo haloI can see your halo halo haloI can feel your halo halo haloI can see your halo halo haloI can feel your halo halo haloI can see your halo halo haloI can feel your halo halo haloI can see your halo halo halo

God, I need your help!

There exits God, uniqueness comes later

There exits God...

*...who is absolutely fair. He gives people the same amounts but in different types. He gave me the same as other normal people. If my grades are so good and I am a very very talented person, then I am not so pretty. If I am a pretty talented girl, then I don't live in a nice family. If I am a pretty talented girl who lives in a nice family, then I am not healthy. If I am a healthy pretty talented girl who lives in a nice family, then for sure you can find lack of something in me or my life or something corresponds to me.

*...who never creates a Perfect creature, otherwise he has a twin and it is impossible (Later I will write about it as well) So, everybody has lack of something and as everybody has this lack so:

Having lack of some thing is natural

Let's see that all of us human being have lack of some thing and realise and accept it. Let's don't try to change some of them are by nature unchangeable and try to modify some are changeable.

All in all, we must believe that we cannot be the second God. Moreover, if some days we fail, for sure there were or are or will be some days are successful. We should look at the life from outside of life. It is not possible because always we are inside life and if some day we are outside, it means we are death and no more need to look at life as no more chances to ... Therefore we can just try to pretend that we are outside. Or in better words, if we were outside, what we would have seen from life? The answer is so easy, we could see BOTH fails and successes in every body's life and it is a very convincing evidence showing God is fair.

I feel regret.

Wow, again I was mean, not in my tongue, but in my heart and God easily saw it and made me crying today. I strongly believe to God when I see such signs from him. Yes, poor "C", she is a diabetic patient and I feel pity for her. Today she strange to do some strange stuffs in 214 and I just noticed that she is taking her blood. I was amazed and ask the reason and she told that she is a diabetic patient and need to examine her blood each time after eating a complete meal. That was why I saw time by time the rubbish of foods in trash while I never had noticed that she ate something, really shame on me, shame on me and my care about friends. I am so sorry but it is late. I am sorry that we cannot never ever correct what we did already wrong and just now we understand this fact.

"T" today came to me and asked about the meeting with "J" in order to transfer the experienced we had in last semester. I was so sad and maybe ready to tell the story. She and "N" couldn't understand what I wrote to them as it was too vague and I knew that because my mind is vague and is not clear at all. So, she asked about the email and I started to be honest with her and explain s a summery of story while I was crying. At the time I felt so alone and disappointed. I decided to express my feeling maybe I feel better first of all, then they can understand that I have a big problem which probably block my work and finally they may find a solution for the problem as in 25 years, nobody except me can find solution or at least give me some guidance. She tried to make me feel calm at first and then said that I ma not the only one and they had the same cases before and finally asked me if I don't mind to go to Psychologist! Her reaction was so clear to me since first as I am a very good predictor and know people better than themselves. She a bit wondered that I accept to go to Psychologist without any fear. Now I think maybe I had to fear as nobody likes to go there. Anyway, I had this plan since I was I "I" and never ever I did it. Hopefully they made me feel better. "T" said something to me that I always am involved in:

What should we do in the world?

I know the answer in one word is:

Live

But I am not a clever person and need to be more explained. What does it mean? I mean "living"? Are we here to have fun and enjoy what God gifted to us? Are we here to save a good background for the life after death? For sure these two are just each other complements and the best choice in order to hesitate Risk is c combination of these two. Now the question arises is about the coefficients. Lets make a Mathematical model for our problem:

Take the following variables and assumptions:

Assumption: We believe there exist life after death with obvious(!) properties.

F: Amount of fun and enjoying what God gifted to us
S: Amount of saving good background for the life after death
L: Living

Since the life in limited (in all aspects), so we can define w such that 0<= w<=1. Now we can give the following model for L:

L = w*F+(1-w)*S

and the question is that for which w it is optimal. Clearly we should define at first the word "optimal". In my idea w depends on the person.

I should here appreciate my father as he answered all of my question concern which one is bad and which one is good with the phrase "up to the person" whereas I am just looking for a definite good an bad. Maybe that is why my life goes one more difficult than others. I remember when I was in touch with "M", brother of my ex professor who was dies so early due to cancer, he just advised me: Please keep it in your mind that life is not Math. In Math 2+2=4, however it life 2+2 is not equal to 4. I still have problem with understanding it but I guess it is some how correspond to this good and bad. It Math when yo have a Theorem, it is definitely true for time all assumptions hold, but in real life you can mostly find a new assumption in case of not holding, the Theorem doesn't work.

I hope some day I can understand what they are saying and what they told me. An I hoe it happens so soon not at the end of my life when I don't have enough time to consider and use them.