Sex, before and after

It is so funny, the story of me and ...

My best friends "M" and "A"

I am in middle, left is "A" and right "M". Apart from what I read in following lines, you can see the most outstanding characteristics of both and me as well.

Yes, just now I remember that I have two friend who I like them so much. I don't say I like both the same as I like "M" more than "A", or maybe it is better to say that I feel more comfortable with "M" rather than "A". Anyway, they were always with me and they always cheered me when I was sad and tried to solve my problems when I faced ones. They were and are and I am sure will be my intimate friends for ever. I am so glad, just understood, that I made friend with them. Actually I don't remember where and when we made friend, but who cares? I mean the only important fact is that NOW we are friend. I agree as they are male, some times they cannot help me, but they are so kind even in some special problems try to help me. I am really happy to be their friend. "A" knows that I like "Mal", he knows well that I like "r.w.". He knows many thing about me which is not visible for others. Maybe because he and "M" are my old friends. They know I am mad of "S". They know I know it so good and deeply believe in it. They know my mind works like an engine and needs to be empty regularly by drinking or... They know I am a strange girl with so religious beliefs in some conditions. They know I am a special girl and my destiny is so long... I wonder how they know some times me better than myself! Unbelievable but sometimes I cannot realize myself but they can as they are looking at me from outside.

Just I noticed that I miss them so much. It is a long time no news from them...I need them to talk a bit more. They are, especially "M" is, the best persons to cheer me. I

always listen to "M"'s advices. He is older than me and so calm guy. Never ever changes his face gesture when he is talking or thinking or eating or ...or even living! He is normal as if what he says make sense and is totally logical for me. I don't say what he studied. He is tall and a bit thin. His hairs is dark and so usual. I mean I cannot find anything special in his appearance except his face as if it is always cool and with no reaction. I am 100% sure if i go to him so distracted and say that "I killed somebody, what should I do now?!" His face gesture never changes and he looks at me for 3 or 4 seconds and then start to talk with the world "well" or a question that "how did it happen?"!!! He is so cool and then he begin to tell me that what should I do as the best option! I like him so much because there is nothing which shocked him. He never looses his grace in his behaviour, I like him more than usual :)

"A" is also so nice guy, he is totally different from "M", yet they are friend. The reason is exactly the same reason I am friend with "M": I am not the same as him, so opposites attract each others. Back to "A", he is so naughty guy and just say and do rubbish stuff. I know him a bit later after knowing "M". He is a perfect smoker and drinker! Good dancer and very good partner in "S"! I have never been his gf as we see each other from another aspect. It is difficult to explain as I have seen just this kind of relationships between some special peoples both are so similar to each other. Yes, we are so similar to each other but just in ideas and not in behaviours. He and I know it so good and we have sometimes some argue together about it. But finally we understand that each of us should live as she/he likes. Now we got along with it and try not to criticise each other. But about positive parts of him I like, I should say that he is so brave and not "c" like me. He has a very famous quote which I learnt to use: "Who cares?! Just do it." He is really crazy and that is why I LOVE HIM. When I spend time with him, I just laugh from my deepest part of inside. When I leave him and come back home, I feel that I used my whole energy and I am so happy. I really feel happiness when I spend time with him. But I don't like to be his gf as he is so mean to girls who has any affair with her. He is sort of guy just missuses in relationships. He just think about taking advantages from girls. Poor them, I don't know how is their feeling when they understood that "A" just played with them. I told him that it is not a good thing and he should change his behaviour and he accepted that it is not a good behaviour. He quited for a short time, but again he started to behave as what he was already...So, no way, he again return to his behaviour as it sounds it is initiative for him.

Yes, I miss them and I should be always in touch with them as they are always the last chance for me when I need help and I am disappointed.

Jenny was a friend of mine!

We took a walk that night, but it wasn't the sameWe had a fight on the promenade out in the rainShe said she loved me, but she had somewhere to goShe couldn't scream while I held her closeI swore I'd never let her goTell me what you wanna knowOh come on, oh come on, oh come onThere ain't no motive for this crimeJenny was a friend of mineSo come on, oh come on, oh come on I know my rights, I've been here all day and it's timeFor me to go, so let me know if it's alrightI just can't take this, I swear I told you the truthShe couldn't scream while i held her closeI swore I'd never let her go Tell me what you wanna knowOh come on, oh come on, oh come onAnd then you whisper in my earI know what you're doing hereSo come on, oh come on, oh come onThere ain't no motive for this crimeJenny was a friend of mineOh come on, oh come on, oh come on...

.8 mg Nicotin is not enough to reliefe her pains

Not only some times, but also always...

...she knows that...

...she is going to hell...

Such a bad week was this week for her...

...she got the letter from psychologist showing she is in a very bad mood and needs 6 months off at least to find herself...she failed after a lot of stress and studying the only chance she had to get rid of this dirt she is imprisoned...and finally some minutes ago...she and her boyfriend broke...

...life is not going on for her...she sleeps...she eats...she breaths...but she knows it is a bus to hell which entertained her and she got on...she is waiting NOW for end of line...she cannot keep herself anymore on the chair...she is too confused and sad...

Shit...shit to this life...poor her...she even don't know what is going one, how can she solve the problems?

She needs real success:

Three goods grade from "N" 2 and 3 and "SP"...

She needs him...

And having all she has and are satisfied with

...she is so glad and thank God as she is healthy.

Prophet Mohammad chosen from God

Embarrassing! Some times people judge an event without having enough information about it. When I say "about it" I mean about whatever related to it and not just that especial case. Yes, maybe (We are not sure as we were not at the same place and time as he was. Please note that if dear reader is Muslim, believes that what Koran says is totally true and so no doubt about it and no need to use the word "maybe") Mohammad did some thing like this, maybe Mohammad has many wives, maybe ...

BUT...

BUT...

Maybe in that time and place it was necessary because of some reasons. Some reasons which are not absolutely the same as what we have in our minds which absolutely dirty. It is obvious if we think about the reason of having many wives and some dirty reasons come to our mind, because none of us are PROPHET and FROM GOG, whereas Mohammad was PROPHET and FROM GOD. So, how would it be possible for us to think in a same way as he thought? How would it be possible that we, normal human beings or whats more saints judge God's prophet with the same logic?

What I am trying to say is that:

If some body believes that Mohammad was from God, so no doubt that he did stuff with different views as us. Otherwise we could be prophet as well!

So, there is a big paradox with this sentence:

"God's prophet did something wrong"

The kill

"The Kill"

What if I wanted to breakLaugh it all off in your faceWhat would you do? (Oh, oh)What if I fell to the floorCouldn't take all this anymoreWhat would you do, do, do?Come break me downBury me, bury meI am finished with youWhat if I wanted to fightBeg for the rest of my lifeWhat would you do?You say you wanted moreWhat are you waiting for?I'm not running from you (from you)Come break me downBury me, bury meI am finished with youLook in my eyesYou're killing me, killing meAll I wanted was youI tried to be someone elseBut nothing seemed to changeI know now, this is who I really am inside.Finally found myselfFighting for a chance.I know now, this is who I really am.Ah, ahOh, ohAh, ahCome break me downBury me, bury meI am finished with you, you, you.Look in my eyesYou're killing me, killing meAll I wanted was youCome break me down (bury me, bury me)Break me down (bury me, bury me)Break me down (bury me, bury me)(You say you wanted more)What if I wanted to break...?(What are you waiting for?)Bury me, bury me(I'm not running from you)What if IWhat if IWhat if IWhat if IBury me, bury me

She is so close to Hell

Some times your deepest part of inside says that:

You are going to hell

You can easily feel its hotness and the fire. Your hurt beats so fast and deep such that you can hear it, BUT JUST YOU and nobody else, you walk along street and see people who live, who laugh, who eat, who sleep, who kiss and continue their life as if nothing happened. They never ever care there is somebody who is next to hell...

In smaller scale, there is many things in common with one of Moby's video...this is video and should have a HAPPY END...but in life, sometimes there is no happy ending because if it was supposed to be finished with a happy ending, it was not any more "life", then we would call it "video" or "movie" or ...in general something which was created by human being to see life in a way he wants, not in a way it is...yes, I think life is too cruel sometimes and people want to see and interpret it in a positive way. Sometimes when they see they are absolutely unable to be fight with destiny, they just pretend that they are final winner. Their sprite needs to be winner and they CREATE it when they cannot ACHIEVE it. They want to get rid of disappoinmentnesses(I really don't think if there is such a word in English and I created it as I cannot achieve any suitable word in this point of time)...

Poor "H" is now in this situation. She even cannot cry maybe it cures her pains for a short time. It sounds that her eyes cannot believe, her voice cannot believe, her hurt cannot believe what happened and is happening. Poor them, they all are in still in shock...the same as her...she is sitting on the bed, a plate of spaghetti with simplest sauce, empty is beside her. She is sad and SHOCKED. Even she has not yet found out what happened to her... yes, she has not yet found it out...

...

...

...

...

Yes, she talked, but still sh ecan feel the pain...

Ein bisschen Rotkäppchen...

She feels cold...she wears an orange suitshirt...she feels tired...her mind is going to be out of work and that i sexactly what she wants...

...

...

All memories:

She was so good, perfect in one of the best university of "ME", best in "V", in "S", in ... now she is alone and no more good. She is going to hell...she cannot anymore stand...she is on the ground and folded...her head is hanging from the neck....

She shold leave....

She'd better to leave...

She should go...
...
...
go
...
...
go
...
...

go on

and not give up

Bermuda Triangle and Black hole

I don't know why, but after downloading Google Earth to find real videos and pictures from Moon and Apollo 11, I started to find Bermuda Triangle on the web and here is the nice article I found:

Many people have reported seeing portals opening in cloudy skies - strange swirling lights sometimes accompanied by sounds - temporal distortions - electromagnetic distortions called 'electronic fog' that can cause a time storm, and the disappearance of planes and ships. There is something about this fog that is important and gives one the sense of all things paranormal. Something unexplained is definitely happening in that region of the Atlantic. This goes back to ancient explorers such as Christopher Columbus and his crew who experienced the phenomenon.

Quoted from http://www.pisceandelusions.org/reference/bermudatriangle/

Moreover, maybe it is of your interest:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_hole

The story of atomic bomb - part1

Albert Einstein, genius of 20 century, proposed E = M*C^2 in a paper published in 1905. He simply said that as C^2 is a very big number, this formula shows that applying to even a very very tiny mass for example in scale of atoms, we get a very huge amount of energy. In 1935, in an interview he honestly expressed that doing it is much more harder and spends much energy than amount of derived E. BUT, at time he never noticed that it may happens so quick when there are very good physicist in Germany who strongly wants to help Nazis to dominate whole world. Later, in 1939 when his German friend, Lion Silad informed him that there are some known way of getting E from atoms easier than what Einstein had supposed, he became so thoughtful and wrote a letter to Roosevelt, US president and...

...to be continued

Watermelon

I am eating Watermelon. So nice and sweet, remembering me summers of "I", my home, when I was used to eat it and another junk I liked so much: Yogurt and cucumber with spices salt and peppermint. I was used to eat with with dried grape. These were so pleasant for me and every body knew that. I sounds happy and I was looking for better life, that is I am here now in "B", "G"... Yes, for sure that is why I am here as I don't want to be in another place now.

I noticed that it is almost one year that I have not eaten my favorite fruit! No wonder that I never thought of that until I bought it and now I am eating it as I was so busy and still is and will be. I am ready to suffer it to get my PhD from "F". So no more nagging or complaining...

I want to take it, to be gifted when I show that I deserve in your idea dear "G". I know you better than me what is better for me and how much I deserve. In my idea I DESERVE TO TAKE IT. Anyway, it is up to you, I have to say in this moment that:

I am satisfied with whatever you are satisfied

I feel lack of something my inside

...I am tired. I left 214 earlier than the time I want because I feel lack of something my inside. I know what I want. I know what I need. What I want and need is not at 214. So, I come back home and eat some thing in the hope of better time after. I take bath and listen to the music. My emotions are going to be more ready. I have a very good feeling. I am ready. Hormones are moving more than before. My eyes look at him deeper than before. I want him for whole nights. I can feel his smell and attraction more than before. My breathing is regular but tonight I can feel it easily. I feel relax enough so that he easily takes me wherever he likes...
...
...
I close my eyes and just feel...
...
...
...
Sunshine can be seen, but I still need him. I still feel lack of something my inside...

What is "relativity" to Einstein?

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity." — Albert Einstein

Don't give up man!

Yes, I know so clear that I NEVER EVER give up. I just go on and suffer all difficulties. This is mentioned in many books. A successful man is somebody who never give up. I know that this is one of the best choice for me. I don't say THE BEST CHOICE because nobody knows about other possibilities in real life. I as a "M.cian" just can talk about different possibilities on paper for "M" not for real life. That is one of aspect of the sentence 2 + 2 =4 holds just in Math and not real life.

I have enough capability and talent to catch my dreams, or at least this dream as it is not almost a dream. It can be come true so easily in comparison with other dreams. For example, I never wished for having an Island. I never asked for be wife of Mr. Obama. I never wanted to be Albert Einstein. I never wanted to be Natalia Vodyanova. I know who I am and what I want. What's more some times I feel I know what is one of the best for me. Now I know I have to do something this so-called dream (Just in public dictionary, not in my dictionary) comes true.

Moon light

When moonlight crawls along the streetChasing away the summer heatFootsteps outside somewhere belowThe world revolves I let it goWe build our church above this streetWe practice love between these sheetsThe candy sweetness scent of youIt bathes my skin Im stained by youAnd all I have to do is hold youTheres a racing in my heartI am barely touching you[chorus]Turn the lights down lowTake it offLet me showMy love for youInsatiableTurn me onNever stopWanna taste every dropMy love for youInsatiableThe moonlight plays upon your skinA kiss that lingers takes me inI fall asleep inside of youThere are no wordsTheres only truthBreathe in breathe outThere is no soundWe move together up and downWe levitate our bodies soarOur feet dont even touch the floorAnd nobody knows you like I doThe world doesnt understandBut I grow stronger in your hands[chorus]Turn the lights down lowTake it offLet me showMy love for youInsatiableTurn me onNever stopWanna taste every dropMy love for youInsatiableTurn the lights down lowTake it offLet me showMy love for youInsatiableTurn me onNever stopWanna taste every dropMy love for youInsatiableWe never sleep were always holdin handsKissin for hours talkin makin plansI feel like a better manJust being in the same roomWe never sleep theres just so much to doToo much to sayCant close my eyes when Im with youInsatiable the way Im loving you[chorus]Turn the lights down lowTake it offLet me showMy love for youInsatiableTurn me onNever stopWanna taste every dropMy love for youInsatiableTurn the lights down lowTake it offLet me showMy love for youInsatiableTurn me onNever stopWanna taste every dropMy love for youInsatiable

Halo

Remember those walls I builtWell, baby they're tumbling downAnd they didn't even put up a fightThey didn't even make up a soundI found a way to let you inBut I never really had a doubtStanding in the light of your haloI got my angel nowIt's like I've been awakenedEvery rule I had you breakin'It's the risk that I'm takin'I ain't never gonna shut you outEverywhere I'm looking nowI'm surrounded by your embraceBaby I can see your haloYou know you're my saving graceYou're everything I need and moreIt's written all over your faceBaby I can feel your haloPray it won't fade awayI can feel your halo halo haloI can see your halo halo haloI can feel your halo halo haloI can see your halo halo haloHit me like a ray of sunBurning through my darkest nightYou're the only one that I wantThink I'm addicted to your lightI swore I'd never fall againBut this don't even feel like fallingGravity can't forgetTo pull me back to the ground againFeels like I've been awakenedEvery rule I had you breakin'The risk that I'm takin'I'm never gonna shut you outEverywhere I'm looking nowI'm surrounded by your embraceBaby I can see your haloYou know you're my saving graceYou're everything I need and moreIt's written all over your faceBaby I can feel your haloPray it won't fade awayI can feel your halo halo haloI can see your halo halo haloI can feel your halo halo haloI can see your halo halo haloI can feel your halo halo haloI can see your halo halo haloI can feel your halo halo haloI can see your halo halo haloHalo, haloEverywhere I'm looking nowI'm surrounded by your embraceBaby I can see your haloYou know you're my saving graceYou're everything I need and moreIt's written all over your faceBaby I can feel your haloPray it won't fade awayI can feel your halo halo haloI can see your halo halo haloI can feel your halo halo haloI can see your halo halo haloI can feel your halo halo haloI can see your halo halo haloI can feel your halo halo haloI can see your halo halo halo

God, I need your help!

There exits God, uniqueness comes later

There exits God...

*...who is absolutely fair. He gives people the same amounts but in different types. He gave me the same as other normal people. If my grades are so good and I am a very very talented person, then I am not so pretty. If I am a pretty talented girl, then I don't live in a nice family. If I am a pretty talented girl who lives in a nice family, then I am not healthy. If I am a healthy pretty talented girl who lives in a nice family, then for sure you can find lack of something in me or my life or something corresponds to me.

*...who never creates a Perfect creature, otherwise he has a twin and it is impossible (Later I will write about it as well) So, everybody has lack of something and as everybody has this lack so:

Having lack of some thing is natural

Let's see that all of us human being have lack of some thing and realise and accept it. Let's don't try to change some of them are by nature unchangeable and try to modify some are changeable.

All in all, we must believe that we cannot be the second God. Moreover, if some days we fail, for sure there were or are or will be some days are successful. We should look at the life from outside of life. It is not possible because always we are inside life and if some day we are outside, it means we are death and no more need to look at life as no more chances to ... Therefore we can just try to pretend that we are outside. Or in better words, if we were outside, what we would have seen from life? The answer is so easy, we could see BOTH fails and successes in every body's life and it is a very convincing evidence showing God is fair.

I feel regret.

Wow, again I was mean, not in my tongue, but in my heart and God easily saw it and made me crying today. I strongly believe to God when I see such signs from him. Yes, poor "C", she is a diabetic patient and I feel pity for her. Today she strange to do some strange stuffs in 214 and I just noticed that she is taking her blood. I was amazed and ask the reason and she told that she is a diabetic patient and need to examine her blood each time after eating a complete meal. That was why I saw time by time the rubbish of foods in trash while I never had noticed that she ate something, really shame on me, shame on me and my care about friends. I am so sorry but it is late. I am sorry that we cannot never ever correct what we did already wrong and just now we understand this fact.

"T" today came to me and asked about the meeting with "J" in order to transfer the experienced we had in last semester. I was so sad and maybe ready to tell the story. She and "N" couldn't understand what I wrote to them as it was too vague and I knew that because my mind is vague and is not clear at all. So, she asked about the email and I started to be honest with her and explain s a summery of story while I was crying. At the time I felt so alone and disappointed. I decided to express my feeling maybe I feel better first of all, then they can understand that I have a big problem which probably block my work and finally they may find a solution for the problem as in 25 years, nobody except me can find solution or at least give me some guidance. She tried to make me feel calm at first and then said that I ma not the only one and they had the same cases before and finally asked me if I don't mind to go to Psychologist! Her reaction was so clear to me since first as I am a very good predictor and know people better than themselves. She a bit wondered that I accept to go to Psychologist without any fear. Now I think maybe I had to fear as nobody likes to go there. Anyway, I had this plan since I was I "I" and never ever I did it. Hopefully they made me feel better. "T" said something to me that I always am involved in:

What should we do in the world?

I know the answer in one word is:

Live

But I am not a clever person and need to be more explained. What does it mean? I mean "living"? Are we here to have fun and enjoy what God gifted to us? Are we here to save a good background for the life after death? For sure these two are just each other complements and the best choice in order to hesitate Risk is c combination of these two. Now the question arises is about the coefficients. Lets make a Mathematical model for our problem:

Take the following variables and assumptions:

Assumption: We believe there exist life after death with obvious(!) properties.

F: Amount of fun and enjoying what God gifted to us
S: Amount of saving good background for the life after death
L: Living

Since the life in limited (in all aspects), so we can define w such that 0<= w<=1. Now we can give the following model for L:

L = w*F+(1-w)*S

and the question is that for which w it is optimal. Clearly we should define at first the word "optimal". In my idea w depends on the person.

I should here appreciate my father as he answered all of my question concern which one is bad and which one is good with the phrase "up to the person" whereas I am just looking for a definite good an bad. Maybe that is why my life goes one more difficult than others. I remember when I was in touch with "M", brother of my ex professor who was dies so early due to cancer, he just advised me: Please keep it in your mind that life is not Math. In Math 2+2=4, however it life 2+2 is not equal to 4. I still have problem with understanding it but I guess it is some how correspond to this good and bad. It Math when yo have a Theorem, it is definitely true for time all assumptions hold, but in real life you can mostly find a new assumption in case of not holding, the Theorem doesn't work.

I hope some day I can understand what they are saying and what they told me. An I hoe it happens so soon not at the end of my life when I don't have enough time to consider and use them.